The Battle of the Bathmats

I only discovered John Gray's Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus after a love affair was over and beyond rescue. I read the book at one sitting in appalled recognition at my behaviour. Gray explains how men sometimes need to retreat into their caves to restore their sense of masculinity, and you must never follow your man into his cave. Men need time alone, time off from the demands of intimacy. 

Not only had I followed my lover into his cave, I was in there re-arranging his boulders. 

Gray also explains that men don't want advice; they don't want to be improved; they just want to be accepted by their women as they are. Follow this simple rule and all will be well. 

So some years later and in a happy relationship with Max I kept reminding myself not to ask him to change in any way. There was, however, the matter of the bath mats. For some reason Max had five bathmats on the floor in his bathroom - one by the bath; one by the shower; one beneath the wash-basin; one by the airing cupboard and a fifth one in the middle of the floor. In addition there was a pedestal mat around the toilet base. It was the pedestal mat that really gnawed away at my aesthetic sensibilities. Hideous things pedestal mats. But I said nothing; for a year.

Then one evening, emboldened by us having reached our first anniversary and there being an atmosphere of great warmth between us, I took action.

Me:   (positive) Hey I just put some of the bathmats away and the bathroom looks great. It looks larger.

Max: (defensive) Looks a bit bare. We need the mats.

Me:   (friendly) We don't need five bathmats Max. I mean what's the one by the airing cupboard for?  It seems a bit superfluous.

Max:  (still defensive) It's not doing any harm. 

Me:   (gentle but persistent) Well how about we try a change? And I'm not sure how hygienic it is to have that pedestal mat...

Max:  You never had teenage sons Chloe. Believe me that mat was very necessary.

Me:    I'm sure, but they don't live here any more do they?

Later that night, before bed, Max replaced all the bathmats. Next morning I packed them all away again. This went on, good-naturedly, all weekend and then I had to drive back to my flat. We live a one hour drive from each other.

The next time I arrived at Max's house and went up to the bathroom the pedestal mat had gone and just two bathmats graced the floor. I rushed downstairs and hugged him.  

Max said: I thought about it. It was a bit suburban wasn't it?  Next step would have been one of those crinoline ladies over the toilet rolls.

This just shows what a new man Max is. John Gray take note.
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My debut novel The Lie Of You is published by Head of Zeus. 

I am on Twitter: @janelythell